A Womb Journey With My Mother pt. 1

Divine Blessings Community!

So lately I’ve been having issues with my irregular cycle and complications with my doctor. The same old, same old; they don’t believe anything I say unless its backed by their tests and there’s that extra layer of the medical history of United States being rooted in the pain and sacrifice of brown and black bodies we can add to every interaction as well. But where does my womb’s history began? How did Grace Jones (my great grandmother) get familiar with her womb? I know my pain is not just my own, but something that was passed onto me from my ancestors. Those are some deep thoughts and with many of my families elders passing away, the work to discovering my womb’s roots start with me.

An old acquaintance gave me and my ex a copy of Sacred Woman last year during the summer. The Body is Not An Apology and Pussy Prayers came to me via my mother and her wonderful insight. She passed them to me as I worked through my hardest days with my toxic environment, soul searching around energy vampires. Honestly, I am glad to go through this healing journey alongside her. Not many can have this experience with their mother. Not many mothers are mentally to be in the space to have conversations like the ones I have with my mother. The goal for me in this series is to write about my journey as a queer, black femme raised a cisgendered woman and connect with others on their journey through healing their feminine energies. I hope to help change hard conversations around feminine bodies (and all that the magick it includes) into casual discussions. I don’t want to feel weird for free bleeding or causally talking about my conversations with the Goddexx that is my pussy.

So I have already started to read these books, but if you pick them up you should know: pussy prayers and the body is not an apology have reflection pieces in them. That’s where this space comes in. I wanna talk to all the womb wearing, cis-gendered raised folx who are brave enough to discuss their journey’s and how they answered some of these questions. Sacred Woman is a bit tricky to do as a collective without being more direct, but if anyone is open to being in a sacred woman circle together, please let me know.

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN for me at least.

I decided to reflect on these questions with my partner. I externally process my feelings and thoughts so this helped stimulate me.

The Body Is Not Apology- Radical Reflection Questions

I am a dark-skinned African American/ Jamaican descendant. My style is often described as feminine and/or afropunk. I recently accepted my genderless sexual identity and I have long ago accepted my queer and polyandrous status. I am disabled and deal with chronic pain on a weekly basis. I identify as a paganist and an anarchist socialist, if that makes sense. While growing up, and experiencing life, many of my labels prevent me from being truly comfortable in spaces with others. I often would compare myself to my light-skinned peers, as I was conditioned to, but that wasn’t my home life. My mother helped me cherish the melanin in my skin. I was affectionately named ‘Tootsie Roll’ as a child, so there really wasn’t much room for external self body shaming. However, I struggled with mentally being confident in myself, regardless of my model gigs, participation awards, etc. I grew up knowing I was different and if I didn’t own it, others would TRY to own me. I feel like growing up this way and being aware of my skin lead me to feel like everyone was immature. I now manage to control my ego, but I still recognize when my perspective may be a bit more involved and balanced than others even perceive themselves to be. I knew everything was connected like the butterfly effect theory.

In school settings, and/or amongst people who were supposed to be my friends, I learned the price of being dark skinned. Being the butt-end of jokes, constantly being picked last, always assumed to be the aggressor. My associates at school always making fun of the person I liked and if that person wasn’t ugly or dark enough to be paired with me than I was told. I fought petty fights a lot when I was a child, but I am done apologizing for that life. I am done hating how caring or compassionate I am. I won’t look back just because others don’t always have the same intentions as me. I refuse to be ashamed of my skin, my hair, my attitude or my attraction. I am who I am.

In these reflections, I have questioned everything. My womanhood, feminine origins and where they came from. I looked at my mental health with a scrutinizing gaze and tearful eyes as I witnessed my trauma affect my everyday life. I say no more to it. I say no more to letting my anxiety, empathy, and trauma prevent me from the success I seek.

I release that which does not work for me. I am divinely feminine and masculine. My Goddexx lives within me and is me. I will not let centuries of trauma continue to pass through my blood move through my lines any further.

I will not apologize for my body. Not for my pussy power. Not for my divine energy.

Peace & Blessings Fam,

Nia