Best Friends Become Ex Friends
This is a writing ritual, journal entry or whatever I feel like calling it in the moment to honor the birth, growth & death of my relationship with my friend Nation.
So, you're probably like, 'what is a writing ritual and why are you writing it with this context?'
Well, let me say this first, I don't think our society honors the life and energy created and destroyed when we are in community with people. We are wrapped up in this concept of our friends being second to family and our partner(s); however, we spend time throughout our lives seeking out friendships with lasting ties. My particular background with friends is sparse and ugly. I've been treated unfairly and felt abandoned because folx don't love accountability. I have had my fair share of sad, distant companionships that feel good and warm but the fuel of those fires burn so fast. In vulnerability, this one hurt me in ways that I never could have perceived. This particular post, is about honoring my memories with him, accepting what happened, and moving on. I hope that by the end of this post, you understand the importance of not forgetting the good or bad of the relationship we cherished so much for so long.
I've known Nation since I was in the high school after school program Urban Underground. I immediately had an attraction to his humor and charisma but I noticed quickly he always got attention. Now, mind you, this was when I was still unapologetically black but not unapologetically queer. I wasn't completely secure in myself and I was used to people brushing off relationships with me cause of my dark skin, poor background, you name it. He was this tall, handsome dude that play musical instruments and looked strong. Two years older than me, he brought out my attraction to well maintained, socially conscious popular boys. As you would think, I didn't make myself standout to him until I was an adult. I shot my shot on his social media, referencing his pipe or something. It wasn't long after that before we were just fuck buddies. At the time, of course I wanted more but I was also in a weird relationship with this guy that was in jail and I wasn't seriously looking for anything other than a friend in him.
To say the least, he couldn't offer that space till we were older and a lil wiser. We were still FWBs but we weren't focused so much on the benefits part. Especially after I had my shitty break up with AK. Nation picked me up on my birthday (after AK dissed me at the court appearance i helped him get through) and took me to his place to not leave me alone. I drank and cried and smoked with him. Wasn't long after that, that I started to be more vulnerable with him. We started talking about future goals and business opportunities we could take up if we were serious. So we chose to get serious together. We planned trips we never got around to. We ate meals together and bought each other lil presents. We planned our community after we weren't FWBs anymore. I always wanted him to be like a brother figure in my life. We checked in often and had intellectual debates. Then we moved into a lane that I think ultimately lead us here.
Nation and I had a falling out back in late August and the timing sucked for me. Not only did I have only one month to get packed and moved to a new place; I was also still grieving the death transitions, violence and series of unfortunate events that were revolving my summer. We had a falling out (in my opinion) because Nation was immature, and I was naive. I lead myself to believe that I could trust him more than I should have. I put faith in his word more than his actions and I ignored his red flags (to an extent) for the sake of keeping our peace. Nation's other female friends were never a concern to me, but in the end it felt like he needed to manipulate situations in order to (short term) be able to keep his access and
temporary happiness. I lie. I have cheated before. I am not perfect, I'm perfectly imperfect. I have my faults and I realize that being a lil toxic isn't always bad. Yet, I won't try to act like I wasn't really hurt by the lies he chose to tell. Especially at the expense of sparing another's feelings and choosing to ignore mine. I know. Selfish right? But, hey shit isn't sugary and sweet all the time. I tried to talk to him but he didn't want that. When I tried to talk to him, he blocked me on social media and told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I don't handle being ignored so I did some revenge, and I still don't regret it. It may have prevented him from reaching out, but he knew the buttons to push to provoke me.
In my grieving of this relationship, I deleted all our old texts and some videos. I blocked him on social media, then unblocked him so he can watch me prevail. I even speed dialed his phone number several times just to remind myself that that funny joke can't be shared with him anymore. Those memories we made feel like poison to remember without him. The version of me you hear today recognizes that I could have done better handling that situation. I feel like I also was just in a lot of everyday chaos for three months straight and it was affecting my mental and emotional health. This situation was unbelievable and frightening to me. To experience the same break off like the one with AK, it was like a slap in the face delivered by Goddexx herself. I still feel heartache whenever I think of Nation, but I don't cry or get upset anymore. I want to inflict pain onto him, but I know nothing I could ever do in this realm could affect him like he affected me. I just have to trust that he feels my absence just as much as I feel his. People kept telling me he might come back around, but I've never spint the block on any relationship and I felt that common with my interactions with people I have falling outs with like this.
What I've started to accept about this situation has left me feeling more cautious of others, more aware of my divinity & others, and so much more. The hardest lesson I needed to learn from this was to not ignore the red flags. I met a friend through Nation, and she always says that she will accept people where they are at with their toxicity. Like she's ok with being friends with Nation cause she understood his bullshit, she was never disillusioned by it. I guess, out of both of us, she had a better understanding of Nation's shadow side. I was mostly privy to his Light & his potential, too. Honestly, I couldn't forgive the actions he took to defend himself and that left me able to disconnect from him. Once again, I don't believe in feeding into my own nor others toxicity nor will I ever be ok with someone lying to me about things we both recognized as important truths to keep.
Yet right now, I can say I forgive him and I am moving on. I started that healing by making sure our cords were cut and I withdrew my energy from him. I also made sure to check the folx who were our mutuals. I also wrote a poem, which was my therapy and it felt amazing. It hasn't been easy after being so close to someone for so long then feeling like I had my bones ripped out of my right arm. I am doing it though. For the sake of my future, my life and my business. I refuse to let anyone else leave me depressed and my foundation cracked. I hope the best for him and his family. I hope the best for him and his friends and I know nothing they do or say can affect my light or being nor mine theirs.
I pray that with this post, my resolved energy is spread throughout our severed bonds and mutual community. I pray that the heals and grows as a better man for the people still in his life. I pray that I find a friend who is genuine, loving, and supportive of my full identity. I pray I find a new friend who is honest, loyal and really an amazing person to everyone they engage with.
Peace & Blessing Family,
P.S. a list of all the beautiful memories I will cherish.
The walk bridge by the lake.
Pizza Shuttle visits.
Elden Ring link ups w/ Jey.
Late nights and early mornings.
Breakfast and errands.
The shooting range.
The fashion show w/ Ma.
The fashion show w/ Bee & Ma.
Conversations about trans identities.
Sleazy Flow remix.
Our song shares.
Brunch @ Toast.
Jared w/ a J.
Mortal Kombat X.
Falling asleep in the truck.
Out of town phone calls & check ins.
Customizing your clothes.
Getting you into modeling.
Squirting & Anal.
Cooking dinners for us.
The one time you made chicken for me.
Pool & ducked off bars.
Cuddles with Rose.
Girls Night w/ Surprise Nation visit.
You as my best friend.